Healthy Marriages
August 1, 2010 by Paul
Filed under Uncategorized
In the 1800’s the immortal Mona Lisa was stolen from its home in a Paris museum. It was not recovered for a number of months. Incredibly more people came to see the empty nail than had come to see the actual painting! There is something about human nature that tends to focus upon the negative. We see it in culture, in churches, in politics, in the media, and sadly in relationships. Focusing upon what is not the way we want it to be is very often a toxic endeavor. The reality is that we all have to fight against confirmation bias; which is simply the process whereby we find evidence to support our beliefs by using selective perception that emphasizes the bad and ignores the good.
It is estimated that only about 25% of couples rate their marriages as truly fulfilling, this out of the 50% that don’t end in divorce. I want to take a few moments and share some research that shows what detracts from the health of relationships as well as what increases the joy and passion in the healthiest marriages. In the process we will consider some of the negative things that couples focus upon and how to have a much better approach.
Rob Bell has a great video entitled Flame that is worth checking out. He goes into a fascinating discussion about three of the many words found in scripture that are translated as “love.” In short the three terms describe friendship, committed relationships and sex. If any of these is missing from a marriage trouble is not far behind.
For instance, if couples are friends but there is no commitment and no sex, they are really just roommates. If there is commitment but no friendship or sex, they are just holding on for the sake of holding on. (You see these couples everywhere in restaurants staring blankly at their food and unaware of the person sitting next to them.) And lastly, if there is sex but no commitment or no relationship, then you simply have two bodies engaged in a physical and empty act. However, where these three expressions of love thrive, so do marriages.
It is important to have an understanding of one another so these three types of love can prosper from a deep appreciation for the differences and similarities between men and women. Not experiencing your spouse as a friend or lover? Perhaps you are breaking some of the following rules and failing to understand what makes men and women so different.
Consider the seemingly simple act of talking for a moment. Biological studies show that women use approximately 40% more brain connectors than men, which means they are mentally more able to focus upon multiple tasks. One of the most common things wives complain about is that their husbands don’t listen to them. I am not trying to let inattentive husbands off the hook by any means, but the reality is that there is a strong chance that biologically your husband doesn’t hear you if you are talking while he is deeply engaged in another activity. Be sure you have his attention before relaying important information. For men, it is important to give your wife full attention instead of going into a trance in front of the television or car engine or anything else. In the end some simple changes will save both of you a lot of frustration.
Secondly, women often complain that “he doesn’t talk to me.” Again, this is not a free pass to insensitive men, but the reality is that men use about 20,000 words per day, whereas women use 40,000. On the flip side of this argument men sometimes complain that their wives always want to talk and they don’t get enough quiet time. When both parties can understand there is a physiological difference that is inbuilt, they can make adjustments from compassion and understanding instead of upset.
Speaking of communication, there are patterns of behavior that we understand after decades of relational research. Norman Wright notes some of the most bothersome statements that men and women make to one another. Take a moment and consider if you and your spouse use these statements. If you do, then recognize how toxic they really are and instead find different ways of communicating your feelings.
Bothersome Statements Men Make To Women: